This is the first of many articles I will write to help you get through the divorce process in the UK. The articles are about my first-hand experience of going through a divorce. None of the content is stuff that’s been copied from other websites or created using AI.
A quick overview of my situation: I’m in my 40s and was married to my wife for about 17 years. We have two teenage kids, own our home (no mortgage…..nice) and have pensions and savings, and neither of us owed any significant money to credit cards, loans etc.
The information below will help you prepare for the UK divorce process.
Divorce Is Not Like On TV
The UK divorce process is very different to what you see on TV shows, where married couples go to court and battle it out. I’m sure this sort of thing might happen in real life if you’re super rich, but for the average bloke, this is very unlikely to happen.
Also worth noting is that US divorce is very different to UK divorce. Much of the terminology used in US TV shows is not a thing in the UK.
Divorce Consists Of Three Parts
Typically, the divorce process in the UK can be broken down into three main components:
The Legal Divorce
This is the easiest part of the divorce, especially with the recent introduction of the new online ‘no blame’ divorce that was introduced in the UK April 2022.
Division of assets
This part of the divorce is sorting out who gets what. As i found out, this part takes a long time and is an extremely painful process.
Child care
The most important part of the divorce is what happens with the kids (if you have them). UK law makes sure the kids come first in any divorce agreements.
Divorce Takes Ages
When you first initiate the new (2022) online divorce process, there is a cooling off period of six months before you can get divorced. I guess this gives people who are not fully committed to getting a divorce the opportunity to try and work things out. This can not be speeded up, contrary to what many ‘Quickie Divorce’ websites suggest. In the UK, you MUST wait at least six months before you can officially be divorced.
It will take time to sort out the division of assets and childcare arrangements. This can happen while you wait for the online divorce process, but believe me, unless the divorce is very amicable, the division of assets and sorting kids’ arrangements will take bloody ages, especially if solicitors get involved.
My divorce took nearly two years!
All Divorces Are Different
Unfortunately, there is no magical formula for predicting the outcome of your divorce. This is because so many variables can influence the final agreement between you and your partner.
I have a friend who got divorced a couple of years before me. His situation (finances, kids, time married, etc.) was very similar to mine, but the outcome of his divorce was completely different from mine.
Divorce Changes People
You may have lived with your partner for years and think you know them really well. However, In my experience, you will soon discover that you don’t know your partner nearly as well as you thought.
It’s tough to judge one’s self, but I don’t feel that I changed much during my divorce. What I do know for sure is that my wife did change, and not for the better. She said and did things that I would have never thought were in her nature to do.
As soon as you start divorce proceedings, see your partner as your enemy. This doesn’t mean that you go on the attack, but it does mean you at least go on the defensive.
Based on stories that my divorce solicitor told me about how some of his clients acted towards each other, my experience of people changing dramatically during divorce is not uncommon.
Divorce Is About Negotiation
A lot of divorce is about negotiation, and you must be willing to take some blows. Initially, some of the things my ex-wife demanded from me financially seemed utterly unreasonable. But as it turns out, in the world of divorce, her demands were actually reasonably standard.
Divorce Solicitors
Unless the divorce is very simple and amicable, I would recommend having a divorce solicitor on hand. This doesn’t mean that you do everything through a solicitor, but use them for advice when required.
If your partner takes on a solicitor and you start receiving letters directly from her solicitor, you will probably need to take on your own solicitor.
Advice From Friends and Family
You will get loads of advice from friends and family about the divorce. Listen to what they have to say, but ultimately, it is up to you what to do. You will be living through the divorce, they won’t. It is very easy for them to say things, but they won’t be the ones who have to live with the consequences.
Divorce Is A Business
I remember when I started researching about divorce, I saw loads of websites saying to treat divorce as a business. I didn’t fully appreciate how important this advice is.
As soon as emotions start getting involved with the divorce process, you will cause additional stress and delay. Use reasoned thinking rather than saying and doing things that are emotional reactions.
It’s All About The Future
When you get divorced, it is the future that matters. The past has little bearing on the outcome of the divorce. So, if you were the main breadwinner, you paid the mortgage, paid all the bills etc, it does not mean that you will get more than your partner, who may have financially contributed very little…….in fact, there’s a good chance you will end up getting less than your partner if you bring in the main income!
Even if your partner has been cheating on you for years, it makes no difference to the outcome of the divorce financially or around childcare arrangements.
Divorce Is A Roller Coaster
Describing divorce as a roller coaster probably isn’t that accurate because there are no ups. Divorce is basically a downhill roller coaster, with some bits being less steep downhill than other bits.
The reason it is all downhill is that you have already lost. Financially, you’ll likely take a hit, and if you have children, you’ll probably lose some time with them. Divorce is about minimising those losses rather than gaining anything.
The one high I got was when the Final Order came through, confirming that I was officially divorced 🙂
Prepare To Lose
They say there are no winners in divorce and I think that is true. Most divorces in the UK start at a 50 \ 50 split, so you and your partner will feel like you’re both 50% worse off.
Even if the final agreement is something like a 70 \ 30 split, the person with the 70% will still have lost 30%. Obviously, the person who only ends up with 30% will be spitting feathers and really feel like they have lost in a major way.
Everything Is Going To Be OK
I know every online article and blog about divorce says this, but once you have gone through the divorce process, life will be good again.
I found that things picked up very quickly pretty much immediately after I was divorced. Yes, I am financially much worse off, and I don’t see my kids every day, but getting divorced was absolutely the right decision, and I feel much happier.
Conclusion: Getting Divorced In The UK
Hopefully, the points above will help you understand what to expect when getting divorced. Unfortunately, it’s not a fun experience. The best thing you can do is understand as much as possible about the divorce process, keep a level head and keep pushing forward.
Getting divorced legally in the UK is now very straightforward, thanks to the new (2022) no-fault divorce process. However, dividing assets and agreeing on childcare is much more complex, in my experience.
